When you meet a butch lesbian

You’ve probably seen this document floating around the Internet.  It comes from writer Jody Rosen, who tweeted a picture of a cheat sheet created in 1988 for a Women’s Studies class.  The document gives some helpful hints on how a heterosexual woman should act when she encounters, gasp, a lesbian.

See for yourself:

xx

Now, I’m not the only blogger who has decided to have a little fun with this.  But, truth be told, I couldn’t resist.

Without further ado, here’s Middle-age Butch’s own list:

When You Meet a Butch Lesbian: Tips for the Heterosexual Woman

1. Do not assume she is attracted to you, unless you look like Sofia Vergara or Laura Prepon.

Yes, I am attracted to you.

Yes, I am attracted to you.

2. Do not tell her she looks just like Justin Bieber.

3. If she is attired in flannel, do not assume she is wearing pajamas.

4. Do not ask her if she is a fan of Xena: Warrior Princess.  This is insulting.  All butch lesbians love Xena.

Xena, we love you.

Xena, we love you.

5. Do not offer her a fruity drink like a Malibu Bay Breeze or a Sex on the Beach.  Butch lesbians only drink beer.  Out of the bottle.  And Jagermeister.  Out of the bottle.

6. Do not tell her that your husband does it better.  He doesn’t.

7. Butches appreciate compliments.  Tell her you like her wallet chain or crew cut.

8. Do not refer to the female cast of Orange Is the New Black as her “people.”  She will cut you.  With a screwdriver.

Not my peeps.

Not my peeps.

9. It is ok to talk about your dog and other house pets.  Do not talk about your pussy, as this could be misconstrued.

10. As a sign of peace and goodwill, present her with a covered pot luck dish, preferably something vegan and organic with quinoa or hemp seeds.

11. Do not tell her that you understand what it’s like to be a lesbian because you watch Ellen almost every day.

This does not make you a lesbian.

This does not make you a lesbian.

12. Do not ask her to hold your purse while you use the restroom.

13. Do not stare at her tattoos.  This is rude.

14. Do not tell her she looks pretty in that shirt.

15. If she tells you her name is Sam or Max, do not ask if that is short for Samantha or Maxine or Peaches.

16. Do not not ask her if you can paint her toenails.

17. Do not ask her if she knows k.d. lang.  All butches don’t know each other.

* * *

Ok, your turn.  Give your best tip.

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19 responses to “When you meet a butch lesbian

  1. LOL at #9. Literally. Full-out belly laugh.

    Your list rocks. 😀

  2. Oh! And I would add, if I may, on behalf of my uber-butch Auntie…

    Do not invite her to a Mary Kay party.

  3. My contribution: (that I could think of in the five minutes I allowed myself to ponder this eternal question, otherwise my list would’ve become a 100,000 thousand word document)

    Some addendums … 1 – or Helen Mirren. 2 – best not to mention the Beibs at all. 4 – but we fall for Gabrielle. 5 – or Earl Grey tea. 8 – a Phillips head screwdriver. 9 – on the other hand …

    Don’t comment that it must be easier for her to buy clothes because all she has to do is go to the menswear dept.

    Don’t ask her why Ellen and Melissa Etheridge never ‘hooked up’.

    It’s OK to assume we all know how to use power tools. Don’t assume we all know how to use power tools. (also, see #9 above)

  4. Love this!

    My tip: Don’t tweak her bow tie. Ever.

  5. 1. Thanks for checking out my little horse and pony show 🙂
    2. I would also add, ‘Do not assume she is like/wants to be Shane from the L word.”
    3. With your blessing I’m going to re-blog this bad boy for all my fellow babydykes, because knowledge and commiseration are power!
    -Tis

  6. I loved your list but if I had to add something it would be….

    a) Do not ask if she is the ‘man’ in the relationship – this will result in something sharp being thrown at you
    b) Do not assume that fingernail extensions are a great gift idea
    c) Do not ask her where her handbag is

    • Good ones! I am especially fond of the third one. When I used to go out with one friend, she would always ask me to hold her purse. I wanted to say, have you taken a good look at me? Instead, I just stood there and held her oversized handbag feeling like a big, giant idiot.

      • I have never owned a handbag – that’s why I have pockets in my trousers to put my stuff in. I just don’t get handbags and like you when im holding my mum’s bag I just feel really weird. Its like being in the dress section of a department store, it just doesn’t feel right.

      • I have a chapter in my memoir about being given a macrame purse for a birthday gift. I was about 10 or 11 years old. It was a traumatic experience.

  7. Don’t be offended if she doesn’t hit on you. Don’t be offended if she does. Lesbians are people too.

  8. Okay, I HAD to share this on my Facebook site. Didn’t think you’d mind. After all, these are some pretty wicked tips! Love ’em all and decided to start following your blog. Great writing!
    One more tip: You may ask her what model Harley she has. You may not ask her what color it is or if it has any of those pretty little stripes on that big thing between her legs! *guffaw*

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