The plumber’s message

Oscar the Grouch

I felt like this guy.

Long story short: Our pipes froze in the arctic-like temperatures that have plagued most of the country. We had no water this past weekend, which made this butch kinda stinky and grouchy. Sort of like Oscar the Grouch, because I couldn’t rock my Axe body wash. It does promise “unlimited female attention” after all.

So, we had a plumber come out today and assess the situation. Good news: We now have hot and cold running water. Bad news: He had to cut and cap the water lines so we can’t use our downstairs bathroom or washing machine.

I guess I just shrugged off the inconvenience. “At least we have hot water for a shower,” I said. (I didn’t mention my Axe.) “And the laundry mat is right down the street,” I added.

He started advising me on filing an insurance claim but then looked me right in the eye and said he wanted to tell me something “off the record.”

“People like you and me, we’re laid back. We’re nice guys. We don’t make a big deal over things, which means that we usually get screwed over.”

Shit. This guy had me pegged.

He told me to get aggressive with the insurance company. Put on a different hat when calling.Ā  Squeaky wheel and all.

I had talked to W earlier in the morning, and she asked if I had read my Freewill Astrology last week.

How do you like your tests? Short, intense, and dramatic? Or leisurely, drawn-out, and low-pressure? Here’s another question: Do you prefer to pick out the tests you take, making sure they’re good fits for the precise lessons you want to master? Or do you find it more exciting and adventurous to let fate determine what unpredictable tests get sent your way? Ruminate about these matters, Pisces. You’re due for a nice big test sometime soon, and it’s in your interest to help shape and define how everything unfolds.

“Maybe this is your test,” she suggested.

I knew as soon as the plumber looked me in the eye and spoke off the record that this whole thing was about more than a frozen pipe and my inability to use my female-attracting body gel for two whole days.

I need to be more aggressive. Not just with the insurance company, but with everything in my life that means something. My writing came to mind.

Because here’s the thing about your favorite butch blogger, I don’t really feel like I’m entitled to much in this life. So maybe it’s time that I don’t wait for the stars to align and rainbows and pots of gold to fall from the sky. Maybe it’s time that I reach out and grab what I want, what I deserve. Much like the way I grab W when she comes home from work every night.

Sometimes we have to create our own rainbows.

Sometimes we have to create our own rainbows.

After the plumber left, I called W with the update.

She was upset, and I tried my best to allay her worries.

“It wasn’t just about the pipes,” I tried to explain. “The plumber had a message for me,” I added, trying my best not to sound too creepy. “Everything will be okay.”

Because in the end it’s just pipes and water. We have each other, and that’s what really matters.

As the plumber left, I mentioned again my hot shower (again leaving out any reference to the teenage boy shower gel that I use). I don’t know if it was the twinkle in my eye or my visible excitement over a hot shower.

“You’d make a great wife,” he said.

Damn straight.

40 responses to “The plumber’s message

  1. This post really hit home with me. I’m like you and the plumber: laid back possibly to a fault, especially regarding the things I should be aggressive about. This has been an issue at work, too, and I think this post kind of hammered the last nail into the coffin of my not-wanting-to-be-aggressive-ness. Thank you for your words!

  2. You never know where you will find wisdom.
    A plumber bearing messages from the universe. There may stranger things.

  3. Femme Fairy Godmother

    It’s sometimes shocking where the wake up call comes from, isn’t it? Go after what you want! I’m still trying to figure out WHAT I want.

    • Yep. A plumber bearing a message from the universe. Just goes to show that we have to stay open and receptive and pay attention.

      You’ll figure out what you want. Then grab onto it with both hands and don’t let go.

  4. Still thinking about it…

  5. Oh, the zinger line at the end! Brilliant. šŸ™‚ However, I’m a Pisces and not in the least laid back. Could be because I’m a she?

  6. I won’t be happy until I hear how you made the insurance company your bitch. Because it’s heartwarming and encouraging to know it can happen.

  7. Patty Kline-Capaldo

    Job well done, and a message I can take to heart!

  8. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

  9. i am new to wordpress and i like your blogs. I think its great to obtain new knowledge/wisdom and its when you least expect it is. At times God puts people in your life to give u wisdom and help you understand the true purpose of life. I have had similar occurrences when I met certain individuals who I never expected to give me knowledge that can help my life in the long run and as shocked but I knew the information was needed. I hope to run into a plumber like the one you met because my hot water goes in and out and I need a plumber to assess the issue.

  10. Funny post. Great lesson. Congratulations for being “Freshly Pressed.”

  11. Midwestern Plant Girl

    My hubby is a plumber, but has no back-bone either. He gets walked all over sometimes. I then have to go beat-up whom-ever stepped on my loving husband and pick him up off the ground.
    This is why we make the best couple, He chills me out and I can help him kick-ass.
    Congrats on getting pressed!!
    Now go enjoy your stanky shower gel!!

    • Hmm, maybe it’s a plumber thing. My partner and I have a similar dynamic. She says that I keep her grounded. I tell her that she gives me wings to be adventurous and follow my dreams.

      I have enjoyed my shower gel many times since our plumbing has been fixed. It’s like I’m addicted to the stuff. Anyway, it helps keep the romance alive.

  12. Hmmm, 2014 is the year for this momma to give up on being so aggressive and “let” more life happen and “control” less. It started off with a bang where I dropped my brand new kindle fire and shattered the screen… lo and behold the weakness in my voice on the phone with Amazon led to a free replacement showing up at my door just 2 days later. Being nice aint all that bad…. so for every act of self assertion you take this year, I’ll be laying back and letting fewer and fewer people know what they “should do” (which is usually just “shove it”)
    To each their own! Hope the insurance pans out for you.

    • To each his own. I agree. You get more flies with honey, but something tells me that won’t work with an insurance company. And I think that aggressive doesn’t have to include being mean and rude.

  13. I love your writing style. So real and interesting. Great message from the plumber, too!

    • Thanks so much, peace. I try to keep it real and interesting. Sometimes it’s real. Sometimes it’s interesting. And on those rare occasions, it’s both real and interesting … like a mystic message from a plumber.

  14. Plumbers are smart. They are like bartenders with tools and a crack butt instead of alcohol and a flashy smile.

    Great post. You deserve everything in this world. And you are truly a great writer. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend.

    • Yep, ain’t nothing wrong with being a plumber. I’d be more than pleased if any one of our kids ended up as a plumber (and not just because I could have plumbing work performed for free).

      At one point, I did see this guy’s butt crack, but I didn’t want to cheapen his advice by mentioning this fact.

  15. Pingback: Showering with Robert Pattinson | The Flannel Files

  16. Pingback: The plumber’s message | Lesbian Erotica Books by Robyn Ooh

  17. I only had a few minutes to peruse your blog, and I already think you are fantastic and funny! I can’t wait to read your book. Good luck. I hope it’s a smashing success.

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