Footsteps

I was leaving a store today around 9:30 a.m.  It is located in a suburban shopping center.  Today is a bright spring day.

I opened the door to the store and stepped out onto the sidewalk.  I tucked my brown leather wallet into my back pocket as I walked.  During this tucking process, I became aware of a person walking behind me.

My entire body tensed as I continued down the sidewalk, bracing for something.  A comment.  A sharp blow.

I have never been assaulted because I am gay (or for any other reason).

I have had people call me names from the safety of their moving cars.

Dyke.

Faggot.

I have had someone scratch my car through my rainbow sticker.

I think the fact that I was tucking my wallet into my back pocket when I noticed someone behind me heightened my anxiety.  I had been caught in an act of gender nonconformity.  Imagine, a girl who carries a wallet in her back pocket!

This is the price of looking gay.  Or at least it is one of them.

I walked to my car without incident.

I never turned my head to take a look at the person walking behind me.

* * *

Does this ever happen to you? Are you ever afraid of being out and about?

When you meet a butch lesbian

You’ve probably seen this document floating around the Internet.  It comes from writer Jody Rosen, who tweeted a picture of a cheat sheet created in 1988 for a Women’s Studies class.  The document gives some helpful hints on how a heterosexual woman should act when she encounters, gasp, a lesbian.

See for yourself:

Now, I’m not the only blogger who has decided to have a little fun with this.  But, truth be told, I couldn’t resist.

Without further ado, here’s Middle-age Butch’s own list:

When You Meet a Butch Lesbian: Tips for the Heterosexual Woman

1. Do not assume she is attracted to you, unless you look like Sofia Vergara or Laura Prepon.

Yes, I am attracted to you.

2. Do not tell her she looks just like Justin Bieber.

3. If she is attired in flannel, do not assume she is wearing pajamas.

4. Do not ask her if she is a fan of Xena: Warrior Princess.  This is insulting.  All butch lesbians love Xena.

Xena, we love you.

5. Do not offer her a fruity drink like a Malibu Bay Breeze or a Sex on the Beach.  Butch lesbians only drink beer.  Out of the bottle.  And Jagermeister.  Out of the bottle.

6. Do not tell her that your husband does it better.  He doesn’t.

7. Butches appreciate compliments.  Tell her you like her wallet chain or crew cut.

8. Do not refer to the female cast of Orange Is the New Black as her “people.”  She will cut you.  With a screwdriver.

Not my peeps.

9. It is ok to talk about your dog and other house pets.  Do not talk about your pussy, as this could be misconstrued.

10. As a sign of peace and goodwill, present her with a covered pot luck dish, preferably something vegan and organic with quinoa or hemp seeds.

11. Do not tell her that you understand what it’s like to be a lesbian because you watch Ellen almost every day.

This does not make you a lesbian.

12. Do not ask her to hold your purse while you use the restroom.

13. Do not stare at her tattoos.  This is rude.

14. Do not tell her she looks pretty in that shirt.

15. If she tells you her name is Sam or Max, do not ask if that is short for Samantha or Maxine or Peaches.

16. Do not not ask her if you can paint her toenails.

17. Do not ask her if she knows k.d. lang.  All butches don’t know each other.

* * *

Ok, your turn.  Give your best tip.