Last week, I decided to try an experiment. So, there I was on a Monday afternoon in my local CVS looking at the men’s body wash products. Axe, to be specific.
Hail to you, Axe Twist.
The tall black bottles were intimidating. And phallic.
I read the backs of the bottles carefully. All guaranteed “UNLIMITED FEMALE ATTENTION.” And promised, “THE CLEANER YOU ARE, THE DIRTIER YOU GET.”
How could a gal like me resist?
I popped open the lids and smelled the contents of each fragrant flavor.
I decided on Axe Twist, with the backward “s.” Apparently, teenage boys aren’t sticklers for proper use of the alphabet.
“Ultra lather and addictive fragrances to give you a super-charged clean,” the bottle read.
It smelled something like lime Jell-O and motor oil. W does love lime, I thought to myself.
But here’s what made Axe Twist stand out from Axe Excite and Axe Anarchy and Axe Dark Temptation.
It’s marketed as: “The scent which starts with exciting freshness which then lasts to keep her tantalized and intrigued by you.”
I figured that this was perfect because I wasn’t looking to attract a new woman — or perhaps a flock of new women, depending on the power of Axe Twist — but to keep the one I have tantalized and intrigued.
Axe Twist also said I should use it “because a good first impression isn’t enough, you need to keep her intrigued …”
My first impression was over six years ago, so I thought it was worth the $5.99 to keep W swooning and wanting more of yours truly. Besides, she really loves lime. It was a foolproof plan.
When I got home, I hid the big black bottle of Axe like it was a porno magazine.
Everyone surrenders to Axe Twist.
On Tuesday morning, I grabbed my Axe Twist from its secret hiding spot and brought it into the shower with me. The goo was a neon lime green. It reminded me of things from the ’80s like ectoplasm from the movie Ghostbusters and a tank top that I used to wear with my acid-washed jean shorts.
I followed the instructions: Squeeze out gel. Lather on body. Rinse off. Be clean. Unilever made being a chick magnet sound so easy.
I started getting a little lightheaded in the shower. I wasn’t sure if it was the Blue 1 or Yellow 5. Or possibly the “super-charged clean” or “the exciting freshness.” It was all so new and heady.
I went to my writer’s group that morning and no one said that I looked “clean but oh so dirty” or seemed “tantalized” or “intrigued.” I did notice that I had a rash breaking out on my chin and spent most of the two hours trying not to scratch my face.
But because this was all for W, I wasn’t too discouraged by the morning’s events, or lack thereof.
W came home from work that evening and gave me a standard peck on the lips. And that was it. This was not the “unlimited female attention” I had been promised. I tried brushing up against her and allowing the fragrance from my skin to waft in her general direction but still no luck.
In a last ditch effort to maximize the power of Axe, I decided to up the ante and shower with my Axe Twist right before bedtime.
“Mmmm, you smell good,” W said when I walked into the bedroom and put my arms around her.
It was working! The Axe Twist was actually working! I felt clean and dirty. It was exhilarating!
But it was a Tuesday night, and we have three cats and three kids, and W was tired.
Thank you, Axe Twist.
When Wednesday night arrived, I once again showered right before bed with my Axe Twist. After the shower, there was excitement and intrigue and tantalization. Lots of it. On a Wednesday night, no less.
I bow my fresh-scented body to you, Axe Twist.
On Thursday, I confessed to W. It felt wrong to not tell her about my secret lime-scented weapon.
I asked her if my use of a revitalizing shower gel made for teenage boys made her feel like a cougar. She said it did. That’s when she grabbed me and pulled me close and gave me a big ol’ kiss.
Damn Axe Twist. This stuff just keeps on working.
(Note: The idea for this Axe experiment wasn’t original. I had read somewhere on the Internet about a mom wearing Axe for a week. I do believe that this is the first documented account of a lesbian using an Axe product for an extended period of time.)
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What’s your favorite scent to wear? What do you like your partner to wear?