Tag Archives: romance

Love conquers all, even evil cats

xx

You had me at popcorn.  And girl.

When W and I were first dating, she invited me over to watch the movie Rent. She’d put the kids to bed early and make buttered popcorn. Would I like to come over.

Sure. This red-blooded lesbian had Melissa Etheridge’s “I Want Come Over” playing over and over and over in her head.

Here’s the catch. There’s always a catch. W had cats. Two of them.

And in direct conflict with the laws of nature and lesbianism, this lesbian was allergic to cats.

They only look innocent.

They only look innocent.

For as long as I can remember, cats have made me itchy and scratchy and caused my eyes to seal shut.  The last time that I had played with a cat — a cute little kitten at a college kegger — my eyes got all red and itchy and eventually swelled shut. Two of my friends had to guide me back to my college apartment as if I were Helen Keller. Miracle workers, both of them.

So, yeah, I was nervous about spending time at W’s place. What if my eyes swelled shut and I couldn’t drive home? It was a 45-minute drive, depending on traffic. How embarrassing what that be for this big, bad, I-can-take-care-of-myself butch?

But there was to be hot buttered popcorn. And a movie. Oh, heck, there was a hot girl in the picture. Who am I kidding? She could have been covered in cat hair or wearing a cat-hair sweater and I would have been there with bells on. Maybe not bells, because they are kind of girly.

The big date night arrived, and I found myself sitting in W’s apartment on W’s couch with W.  And her two cats. I was petrified. I tried to ignore the cats but they were curious. You know how cats are. One kept brushing up against me. I was careful not to touch my face or rub my eyes.

The movie started and with one slick move I slid my arm behind W.
Every so often, I took a bodily inventory. No sneezing. No itchy eyes. No scratchy skin. Just a little bit of heavy breathing, but that was to be expected.

Turns out that I didn’t have an allergic reaction that day and haven’t any day since. W and I now live together along with three cats and other assorted random creatures.

Not to throw W under the bus (here’s me throwing W under the bus), but she had mentioned to a friend about me and my cat allergy and basically said that it was a deal breaker. So sad, the friend remarked. She seemed so nice.  She was so ready to dump me for the cats.

Is there a moral to this love story?

It just goes to show you that love conquers all, even deadly allergies.

Cats are diabolical creatures and have broken up many a pair of lovers. They are narcissistic and evil like that.

Take your pick.

* * *

What about you? Any pet-related dating stories to share?

Advertisements

Be careful what you Axe for

Last week, I decided to try an experiment.  So, there I was on a Monday afternoon in my local CVS looking at the men’s body wash products.  Axe, to be specific.

Hail to you, Axe Twist.

The tall black bottles were intimidating.  And phallic.

I read the backs of the bottles carefully.  All guaranteed “UNLIMITED FEMALE ATTENTION.” And promised, “THE CLEANER YOU ARE, THE DIRTIER YOU GET.”

How could a gal like me resist?

I popped open the lids and smelled the contents of each fragrant flavor.

I decided on Axe Twist, with the backward “s.”  Apparently, teenage boys aren’t sticklers for proper use of the alphabet.

“Ultra lather and addictive fragrances to give you a super-charged clean,” the bottle read.

It smelled something like lime Jell-O and motor oil.  W does love lime, I thought to myself.

But here’s what made Axe Twist stand out from Axe Excite and Axe Anarchy and Axe Dark Temptation.

It’s marketed as: “The scent which starts with exciting freshness which then lasts to keep her tantalized and intrigued by you.”

I figured that this was perfect because I wasn’t looking to attract a new woman — or perhaps a flock of new women, depending on the power of Axe Twist — but to keep the one I have tantalized and intrigued.

Axe Twist also said I should use it “because a good first impression isn’t enough, you need to keep her intrigued …”

My first impression was over six years ago, so I thought it was worth the $5.99 to keep W swooning and wanting more of yours truly.  Besides, she really loves lime.  It was a foolproof plan.

When I got home, I hid the big black bottle of Axe like it was a porno magazine.

Everyone surrenders to Axe Twist.

On Tuesday morning, I grabbed my Axe Twist from its secret hiding spot and brought it into the shower with me.  The goo was a neon lime green.  It reminded me of things from the ’80s like ectoplasm from the movie Ghostbusters and a tank top that I used to wear with my acid-washed jean shorts.

I followed the instructions: Squeeze out gel.  Lather on body.  Rinse off.  Be clean.  Unilever made being a chick magnet sound so easy.

I started getting a little lightheaded in the shower.  I wasn’t sure if it was the Blue 1 or Yellow 5.  Or possibly the “super-charged clean” or “the exciting freshness.”  It was all so new and heady.

I went to my writer’s group that morning and no one said that I looked “clean but oh so dirty” or seemed “tantalized” or “intrigued.”  I did notice that I had a rash breaking out on my chin and spent most of the two hours trying not to scratch my face.

But because this was all for W, I wasn’t too discouraged by the morning’s events, or lack thereof.

W came home from work that evening and gave me a standard peck on the lips.  And that was it.  This was not the “unlimited female attention” I had been promised.  I tried brushing up against her and allowing the fragrance from my skin to waft in her general direction but still no luck.

In a last ditch effort to maximize the power of Axe, I decided to up the ante and shower with my Axe Twist right before bedtime.

“Mmmm, you smell good,” W said when I walked into the bedroom and put my arms around her.

It was working!  The Axe Twist was actually working!  I felt clean and dirty.  It was exhilarating!

But it was a Tuesday night, and we have three cats and three kids, and W was tired.

xx

Thank you, Axe Twist.

When Wednesday night arrived, I once again showered right before bed with my Axe Twist.  After the shower, there was excitement and intrigue and tantalization.  Lots of it.  On a Wednesday night, no less.

I bow my fresh-scented body to you, Axe Twist.

On Thursday, I confessed to W.  It felt wrong to not tell her about my secret lime-scented weapon.

She laughed.

I asked her if my use of a revitalizing shower gel made for teenage boys made her feel like a cougar.  She said it did.  That’s when she grabbed me and pulled me close and gave me a big ol’ kiss.

Damn Axe Twist.  This stuff just keeps on working.

(Note: The idea for this Axe experiment wasn’t original.  I had read somewhere on the Internet about a mom wearing Axe for a week.  I do believe that this is the first documented account of a lesbian using an Axe product for an extended period of time.)

* * *

What’s your favorite scent to wear?  What do you like your partner to wear?

 

Date night

W and I had a date night on Saturday.  If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that we don’t have a lot of those.

W asked me out, which is always nice.  I might be a butch, but I’m certainly not adverse to being asked out.

We went to see the movie Bad Teacher just because Ms. Diaz was in it.

We went to see the movie Bad Teacher just because Ms. Diaz was in it.  Does this make us bad people?

We went and saw this cute movie called “In a World …,” which is a small rom-com about the voice-over industry.  It’s a smart, funny film.  Lesbian comedienne Tig Notaro was in it.  As was Cameron Diaz, who played the leader of a group of Amazon women who battle a tribe of angry cavemen in the film within the film.  That’s the movie that I’d like to see next, ’cause Cameron Diaz and Amazons.

The movie was showing at our local art house theater and it was the first movie to be shown there in digital format.  So, that was exciting.

After the movie, the theater was presenting a special showing of Rocky Horror, and we got to see everyone dressed up for that.

We ordered dinner from an Italian restaurant across the street and went to a bar and watched the end of the Penn State/Michigan game while we waited for our food.  Penn State won in fourth overtime, which was exciting, especially because I’m a PSU alum.

xx

I’m sensing a theme here.  Are we that predictable?

We headed home with our dinner and ate Italian food in bed and watched a few episodes of season four of Modern Family.

There were some adult activities after that, but this is not that kind of lesbian blog.

Anyway, it was a pretty sedate evening, but it was really nice to have that alone time with W.  One thing about having kids, it makes you appreciate when they’re not around, at least for an evening or so.

Here’s the thing: I like that after all of these years, we still enjoy each other’s company.  We don’t need fancy or exciting or expensive.  Just being together is enough — sharing popcorn and a movie, Cameron Diaz, a football game and decadent desserts in a take-out containers.

Ah, summer, we hardly knew ye

Wow, summer is almost over.  I was in the grocery store yesterday and overheard a group of rabid moms chanting, “One more day, one more day!”  Kids here go back to school on Monday.  Nothing like overworked, overtired mothers throwing their kids under the school bus.

It’s been a weird and wacky  summer.  Our oldest was away at camp for six weeks.  The middle one was home for about half the summer but is now back living at his dad’s house.  The youngest spends long stretches of time in his room.  So, Middle-age butch had lots of time to herself.

xx

I had planned on being this version of Wonder Woman.  Nothing beats a classic.

I had planned on being super productive this summer: Cooking healthy and tasteful meals using fresh produce purchased from our local farm stand, writing ten chapters for my memoir, cleaning up the yard, building a brick “pad” for under my bird feeder, organizing the house, romancing W, saving the world and blogging about everything in my downtime.

Turns out that I did the opposite of that, which pretty much means that I did nothing.  I have learned that I am irresponsible when it comes to idle time and work much better under the pressure of a deadline.  Must be the writer in me.

The summer wasn’t a total loss, though.  Here are some highlights:

  • Finished a few memoir chapters.  Perhaps, more importantly, I got back to getting down and dirty and writing about the things that really matter, even though they are the hardest to write about.
    • This was us ... well, if we were dogs instead of lesbians.
    • This was us … well, if we were dogs instead of lesbians.

    Strengthened my relationship with W.  We had a lot of alone time this summer.  We even had a romantic dinner at a nice Italian place that had live music.  It was just like Lady and the Tramp, except that we’re lesbians and not dogs.  Although I have been called a dog more than once.  We’ve been putting a lot of time and effort into improving our relationship and our communication, and it’s been paying off.

  • Went to P-Town, just me and W.  Saw a whale, a drag show (I will never look at Katy Perry the same way) and a whole lot of gay boys in very short shorts.
  • Fed and pet a pair of giraffes.  I love giraffes.  So gentle, so graceful, so beautiful.  We have a small zoo near us that currently has two males on loan from other zoos.  W got pictures of me feeding them.  I’m even smiling.
  • Went to the Jersey Shore.  Found shells on the beach.  Ate pizza and french fries and drank lemonade.
  • Discovered a writer named Ivan Coyote, who has blown my butch mind wide open.  Ivan, I hope to grow up to be just like you.
    • xx
    • If I could, I would eat everything in miniature plastic batting helmets.

    Went to a ball game.  Not a major league game but a minor league game.  Drank beer.  Ate ice cream out of a plastic baseball helmet.  Note: This is the all-time best way to eat ice cream.  Kept score.  Admired the green, green grass.  Loved every single minute of it.

  • Made multiple batches of rustic tomato sauce with farm-fresh tomatoes and homegrown basil.  And, BLTs with beautiful, ripe, red tomatoes.
  • Saw a lot of movies.  Favorite: The Way, Way Back.
  • Celebrated my one-year anniversary with WordPress.

So, with summer wrapping up, I’m looking forward to getting back to normal, to daily to-do lists and kids at school, to cooler days and a more industrious frame of mind.

Some goals:

  • Work on my memoir and other creative writing.
  • Blog, focusing on quality and not quantity.
  • Romance the socks off of W (even though she rarely wears socks).
  • Organize, fix up, clean up the house.
  • Live healthier.
  • Spend more quality time with the kids.
  • Continue to move forward and reveal more of who I am.

It’s interesting.  My life has been filled with so many transitions.  I came out later in life, identified as a lesbian, then called myself a “soft” butch because it seemed less offensive.  Now, it’s just “butch.”  It’s all been an evolution, and I find that I’m not done changing, growing, learning.

A writer friend of mine said that when all that we want to do is lounge around in our elastic-waisted sweatpants and watch TV, there’s a reason for it.  We should allow ourselves to do so, taking note of what we’re watching and how that might be exactly what we need at the moment.

I think it’s good advice to not be so hard on ourselves and to feel deserving of our down time.

So, folks, your favorite butch is rested, relaxed and ready for just about anything.  Bring it on, world.

* * *

What about you?  How was your summer?  Any highlights?