All caught up in The L Word

W and I are just emerging from a fugue-like state brought on by binge watching six seasons of The L Word.  That’s 78 episodes if you’re counting along at home.

W had been scanning through the offerings on Netflix and stumbled upon the series.  And there we were watching Jenny Schecter being accosted by Marina Ferrer in a bathroom somewhere in California.

One word.  Shane.

There was no stopping us once we got started.  We couldn’t get enough Bette, Tina, Alice and of course, Shane.  Swoon.

Now, I have to get back to my real life and stop pretending I’m a famous writer who hangs out in Los Angeles’ coolest coffee shop by day and attends only the hippest and hottest Girl/Grrrl parties by night.  (Please tell me all nine seasons of The Facts of Life are NOT on Netflix.  Just the thought is so tempting.)

We had watched The L Word when it first ran on Showtime.  Flash forward ten years, and here’s what stuck out this time around:

* Wow, what a groundbreaking show.  The L Word certainly was ahead of its time.  It paved the way for Girls and Orange Is the New Black.

* Are there no butch women in L.A.?  I used to think Shane was kinda butch.  She’s not.  Like Papi says upon meeting the legendary Shane: “You’re just a skinny white girl.”  So true.

* I always wanted to be Shane.  Or maybe Shane’s wingwoman.  You know, me and Shane hanging out, picking up the ladies.  This time around, I realized Shane is kinda a jerk.

* And what’s up with Shane’s hairstyling skills?  It’s tousling of hair.  That’s what it is.  Tousling.  Of hair.

Ivan, you rock.

* Ivan Aycock.  I want to be Ivan Aycock.

* Can you spell infidelity?  So much cheating.  Keep it in your pants, ladies.

* Jenny Schecter is actually interesting and likable in the first few seasons.  Whether you like her or hate her, there is no The L Word without her.

Max, you deserved better.

* Really, couldn’t you have been a little more sensitive toward the transitioning Max?  Max, I’ll be your friend.  We’ll go to a sports bar, drink some beer and eat some wings.  Forget those high femmes.  Call me.  And really Part 2: Did you have to make Max pregnant?  Really?

* What a total waste of Xena: Warrior Princess.  Um, you couldn’t find a better role for Lucy Lawless than some hack detective?  Other ideas: L.L. has an affair with Bette.  Or Xena herself chops off Jenny’s head with her sword, places it on a stake in front of The Planet and runs off with Alice.  No one saw that coming.  Discuss.

* * *

Ok, y’all remember The L Word. Why don’t we play Marry, Kill, Screw.  I’ll go first ’cause it’s my blog.

Marry — Tina because she seems the most normal.  Ands she’s cute.  Except when she’s with Henry.  She’s hideous then. (W votes for Tasha because she’s into all that officer/gentleman stuff.)

Kill — Everyone is going to say Jenny.  And, in a twist of irony, Jenny dies in the series finale. So, I’ll go with someone else.  I’ll go with Dylan because she is uber-annoying.  And she doesn’t deserve Helena, the British bombshell.  (W goes with Jenny.  She is wearing her “Kill Jenny Schecter” T-shirt as I type.)

Screw — Helena.  (W says Latino hottie Carmen.  She loves Carmen.  You have no idea.)

 

Not butch enough for haunted things

My W is here.

“My hersband is too afraid to go,” W texted her friends from work.

They are going to Terror Behind the Walls at Eastern State Penitentiary tonight. The website bills it as “A Massive Haunted House in a REAL PRISON.”

No thanks. Count me out.  I will stay home and watch reruns of Orange Is the New Black, which is a comedy set in a FAKE PRISON.

I know what you’re thinking, faithful followers.  Middle-age Butch, you are the butchest person I know.  Aren’t you butch enough for a little old haunted house?

Um, no.

I am butch enough to wear flannel everyday of the week.  I am butch enough to arm wrestle k.d. lang.  I am butch enough to wear a necktie when every other woman in the room is wearing a dress.

But this butch doesn’t do haunted houses or haunted hayrides or anything else that involves paying a fee to be scared.

That is not butch. That is stupid.

W is paying $20 to be scared by chainsaw-wielding strangers wearing face paint and fake blood.

If anyone out there wants a really good fright, mail me $20.  Tell me your worst fear, or I can make one up for you.

• Dear Netflix Subscriber, We regret to inform you that there will not be a Season 3 of Orange Is the New Black.
• Good news!  I’ve cleared my calendar and will be able to stay with you through the holidays!  All of them!!  Love, Mom
• Dear Former Student, It wasn’t just a recurring bad dream.  You really are three credits short.  We will be revoking your diploma.

When I was a teenager, my father took me to a haunted house at the New Jersey shore.  I remember crowding into a room that was supposed to be an elevator with a bunch or other people and being scared to death.  I thought I was going to die.  It was the last time I held my dad’s hand.

Too much blood for this butch.

I am not a fan of horror movies either. I can count the scary movies that I’ve seen on two hands (hands missing several digits due to an accident involving farm equipment) — Poltergeist, Children of the Corn, Silence of the Lambs, The Blair Witch Project.  I started watching The Shining when I was in college, but my friends had to remove me from the theater because I was turning green and about to pass out from all the blood.

Alas, I am a delicate butch.

I did tell W that if she doesn’t come home tonight I will look for her.

In the morning.

When the sun comes up.

It’s what any butch would do.

* * *

Do you like haunted houses and scary movies?

Orange Is the New Black: Savor or devour?

Today is the day.  June 6.  Season 2 of Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black is available.  All 13 episodes.

“How many episodes are we going to watch tonight?” W asked this morning.

“One.  Maybe,” I replied.

Of course, I’m itching to find out what’s happened to Piper and crew.

But I already don’t want it to be over.

You know she wants me.

That’s how much I love Orange Is the New Black.  It’s funny, it’s poignant, it’s got lesbians and Laura Prepon in those black glasses.  Damn.

Besides, it’s the only show out there that can reference Pablo Neruda and female ejaculation in the same episode.  That Jenji Kohan is a genius.

The world may never know.  Wink.

So, binge or save?  It reminds me of a cherry Tootsie Pop and the eternal question of “How many licks?”  (Of course it does, Middle-age Butch.  You know you wanted to say that.)

We’ll start with episode one tonight.  It’s called “Thirsty Bird.”  I’ll make cheese steaks and tater tots for dinner, because it’s Friday night.  It’ll be an event.

Maybe we’ll watch an episode Saturday night and one on Sunday night.

All bets are off after that.

Because it’s a show that revolves around lesbians.  Butch lesbians and crazy lesbians.  College graduate lesbians and sexy lesbians.  Bad lesbians and bad-ass lesbians.

You know you can’t stop at just one.

* * *

Are you watching OITNB tonight?  Will you binge watch or spread ’em out?

I have seen the light, and it is orange

Four lesbian characters in a row.

As in Orange Is the New Black.

About five minutes into the first episode, I raised my arms in triumph and exclaimed that “the lesbians have their TV back.”

The L Word premiered in 2004 — 10 years ago. Ah, Shane, how I miss you. Since then, there has been a spike in the number of lesbian characters on TV. But there hasn’t been anything to rival the dyke drama that was The L Word.

If you haven’t seen it, OITNB is smart and funny and tender and touches on such hot-button topics as racism, religion, morality, sexuality and gender.

You want me, Alex?

Plus, Laura Prepon is totally hot with those glasses and that dark hair.

And, hey, isn’t that Natasha Lyonne from But I’m a Cheerleader?

In the spirit of the show, W and I have taken to calling each other by our last names. And when I’m feeling particularly amorous, I call her “Dandelion.”

I’m sure there are those out there displeased that the only show with a major lesbian presence takes place in a federal prison.

“Lesbians are very dangerous,” as Counselor Healy says.

But this lesbian is just happy to have lesbian characters back on the small screen.

Have you seen OITNB? What are you watching these days?