Fear

Like this guy.

Or like this guy.

I’ve been feeling really small these days. Not small in a good way. Like, hey, I lost 12 pounds and these cargo shorts are hanging off of me. But small in an all-balled-up way. Like a fist.

I have a slew of things I need to do. One of those things is write a presentation for a corporate event slated for early November. This company has an LGBT group, and I’ve been asked to speak about my book. I’m planning on talking about the power of story — the stories we tell ourselves and the stories we share with others.

I have it all mapped out. A notebook filled with thoughts and quotes. I don’t even need the notebook. Everything is floating around in my head.

But I’ve yet to sit down and type it all up. I was going to do it last weekend. Now, it’s on my to-do list for this weekend.

Writing it out makes it real.

It’s not that I don’t think that I can do it.

It’s that I’m scared.

Even butches get scared sometimes. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

I’m not sure what I’m scared of.

“I need to get that Marianne Williamson quote tattooed on me,” W tells me.

She’s talking about this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

It would be a very large tattoo.

So, I will sit and write. Write through the fear.

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23 responses to “Fear

  1. Just make sure that your tattoo artist can spell.
    The “feeling small” thing is very descriptive of what you are feeling, I think.
    I remember years ago being totally fearless. Sometimes I don’t know where it went, but sometimes the stupid stubborn naive brave fearlessness comes back again.
    If I where you, I would plan on, the day of the event, getting up and telling the story of being scared shitless right at this moment. They will all be on your side after that, and you can just wing it from there.

    • Yes, a tattoo artist with good spelling skills is definitely a must. I go back and forth between fear and confidence. Small and large, or at least that’s how it feels to me. The small times are few and far between, so that’s a good thing.

      I plan to start with the story I have been telling myself for 30 years. That I’m not a very good public speaker. I plan to re-write that story and hope to inspire those in attendance to re-write some of their stories as well.

  2. You should print out the quote out, laminate it and say it out loud to yourself or to W once a day. There is power in those words. The more you say it, the more it will become ingrained in your psyche. And it speaks the truth. You will shine and by doing so will allow others to do the same.

    We have a white board in our kitchen. My husband wrote the following several years ago for one of our kids, but it has remained:

    “The scariest moment is right before you start.” – Stephen King

    I reread it often for myself and it helps, but I really like Marianne Williamson’s quote. I plan to print it out and use it as an affirmation.

    If it means anything, I totally believe in you. You’ve got this. And if you need a practice audience or help with anything, let me know. 🙂

    • It is a great quote. And I love that King quote. It is so true.

      It does help knowing that I have people in my corner who believe in me. (And yes, I will be testing my presentation out on you guys!)

      Blogging usually gets me unstuck. Believe it or not, I already feel better.

  3. I am loving that quote. Especially this: “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    Powerful words.

    Sometimes we fear the first step, without realizing that the first step is to admit our fear(s). Once that’s done, things don’t seem so insurmountable. Like you said above, you feel better already. 🙂

    You’ll be fabulous! ❤

    • It is a great quote. And interestingly enough, this is one of the quotes that I have in my presentation: “Being a storyteller is about helping other people tell their stories.”

      So, yeah, first step for me was blogging about what has me stuck. And I do feel better.

      Thanks for the vote of confidence!

  4. Hi! Ironically, I am reading Marianne Williamson, as we speak. The writer who does not read! “You are too cool to fool.” That’s my quote for the day. Anyway, trick the mind; say to yourself the presentation is complete and on paper and stuff. Before you know it–POOF!– it will be. I don’t suggest winging it. Try it out on us and we’ll give you the most honest feedback ever! Smiles. Glad you’re starting to feel better already!

  5. That quote is so true … however there’s another aspect to it … and we’ve all experienced it. You stand up, stand strong, and get cut off at the knees, get bruised, get bloodied, and sometimes, horribly, get murdered.

    We’re not so far away from that reality that it doesn’t colour every move we make, whether we like it or not, whether we’re aware of it or not.

    The daily struggle, the daily challenge, the daily decision, is to stand up and speak our truth anyway … or stay in bed.

    And, yeah, use us! 😀

  6. The Little Butch That Could (TLBTC)

    Hope you are feeling better by now. Peace.

  7. you’ll do great and I’d love to be in that audience…definitely will be checking out your presentation here 🙂

  8. Pingback: Middle-age Butch speaks | The Flannel Files

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