Riding the rollercoaster

Rainbow decalI am a moody butch.  Have been since I was a teenager holed up in my bedroom with the rainbow decals on the windows and a Joan Jett album playing on the record player.

When I was in my twenties, I was prescribed Prozac for the first time.  I spent more than a decade taking the white-and-green capsules.

Since being diagnosed with major depression, I have always been acutely aware of my mood.

I let myself have off days.  I will stay in bed watching old professional wrestling footage and seeking solace from Ben, Jerry and Little Debbie.

I try not to let one off day morph into two.  On day three, I will force myself to get up and shower and at least try to be a productive human being.

Lately, I’ve been riding a high from the book (which comes out in one two three four five six seven days not like I’m counting or anything).  So many good things have been happening.  It’s all so heady and exciting!  Like a Melissa Etheridge concert.

Problem is I can’t seem to maintain that high.

As high as I feel one day, I feel that low the next.

It’s like riding a rollercoaster.  I’m not a big fan of rollercoasters.

12 responses to “Riding the rollercoaster

  1. I can relate to this as I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression much of my life and at one point took antidepressants. I find that when I rely on external factors for my happiness I ride the roller coaster you talked about. What helped me was a) finding and following my purpose b) finding the gift inside of my depression (every shadow has a hidden gift) and c) challenging myself to do the things that I’m afraid of because when I don’t, I get mad at myself, and then depressed. So now I challenge myself to get out there and do some of the things that terrify me — like speaking in public, gulp. And I don’t always. But I never give up on myself because I see people around me in the exact same boat. We silly simple beautiful humans. And sometimes I realise I’m just cranky because I had pancakes for breakfast. Because even though pancakes make me happy. Sugar makes me cranky! 🙂

    • Thanks for this. I guess I have to look inward more. I have been pushing myself to do things outside my comfort zone with the book release approaching. Interviews, readings, etc. Those things leave me feeling happy and proud. I guess I need to cut myself some slack as, alas, I am one of those “silly simple” humans you speak of. Thanks again for sharing.

  2. Been riding the roller coaster–not a fan of them,either–for many different reasons. I identify with you wholeheartedly. The ups and downs. I am afraid. I am excited. I am sad. I am elated. I am learning to know myself. I have a therapist and many people in my life who I am trying to allow to know me. Many times I feel alone. I believe it’s okay to have the down time a day or two. We bounce back and that’s what matters most.

  3. That kinda high, no matter what the cause, isn’t sustainable anyway. It is fun while it last though, eh?

    • My problem isn’t so much about sustaining but about not bottoming out. I don’t know if the bottoms seem deeper because the highs are that much higher. But, yeah, the highs are a helluva lot of fun.

  4. I totally relate to this. Thanks for sharing it. My sympathies and best good thoughts for you to be able soon to avoid the deepest valleys. 🙏👊

  5. I like this quote by Rumi. Hey even he got moody, it seems! We can use our emotions as our guidance system — our EGS!!!

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.
    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor…
    Be grateful for whatever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.
    ~ Rumi

  6. Eileen Feltes

    My spouse has major depressive disorder; this has been ongoing for 11 years. She recently completed transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) therapy and the effects have been astounding. It is covered by Medicare, however in NM only 1 commercial plan includes it as a benefit (BCBS.) Mys spouse describes the effects as “I’m not longer observing life, I’m living it.”

    TMS can include therapy for anxiety also – depression and anxiety seem to be Siamese twins. She wasn’t able to undergo the treatment for anxiety (which isn’t required for depression therapy to be effective), but I’ve noticed her anxiety is significantly less. She’s also made a significant drop in her use of her pain medications which continues more than 1 month post TMS.

    You can also go back in for touch-up therapy if you feel the effects begin to decrease (6 month waiting period for insurance to pay.)

    I recommend you educate yourself about this treatment and look at this as a very real option for therapy.

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