Comebacks

I was standing in the self-checkout line in the grocery store earlier this week.  A man who was in line in front of me left his cart to grab something he had forgotten.  I could see him motion to the woman behind him to go ahead and take his spot.

I didn’t know how long he’d be gone and I was impatient, so I moved ahead one space in front of his unattended cart.

He returned in less than a minute carrying a single roll of paper towels.

“I told her she could take my space,” he said.  “Not you.”

He was smiling and laughing when he said it.  The words “good natured” come to mind.

I apologized and stepped back into my original spot.

“Besides, she’s better looking than you,” he said.

In a conventional sense of attractiveness, she was.  Soccer mom type.  Yoga pants.  Decent looking.

I scanned my mind for a quick comeback.

It all depends on what you’re into, pal.

My wife would disagree with you.

She’s certainly better looking than you, too.

I’m not an on-the-spot kind of person, so I just stood there with a smile on my face.

In the end, he clapped me on the shoulder and insisted I take his spot in line.  I wasn’t sure if he was being nice or if had had started to feel guilty about what he had said.  No hard feelings, y’know?

So, this is for all of you quick thinkers out there.  What should I have said?  Give me your best lesbian comeback for this situation.

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21 responses to “Comebacks

  1. “You’re right, she is” or “Oh! Since looks are the criteria for a spot in line, you should step bacl a few places, then”. But that’s be mean, huh? 😏

    • You’re right … he should have been sent back to the end of the line. Actually, that’s a good premise for a story. A world in which people are judged solely on looks.

      • It is, write it! Oh wait…*looks around* maybe it’s not just a story?
        P.S. Sorry about the typos. Ah the joys of phone typing in wordpress at times…

      • It’s certainly true in many situations. I was thinking about an over-the-top tale. You know, someone at the front of the grocery store on a speaker dictating who gets to go next based on looks.

  2. I sense my future…or present maybe

  3. “Yeah, but I have more insurance!” … *smacks idiot to the ground, steps over his quivering corpse and winks at the checkout woman*
    … extra gold stars if someone gets the movie reference! 🙂

  4. I would have said, later in the car because I don’t think well on my feet, “BITE ME.”

  5. You should’ve just scraped the skin off his heels with your cart, saying, “Oh, I’m sorry, I did not see you there.”

    • Ouch. There is nothing worse than getting struck in the heels with a shopping cart. That’s why we have generally banned our kids from operating them. Stores should require shopping cart licenses.

  6. There’s nothing worth saying to someone like that, not even the choice ideas about what to do with that paper towel roll of his. More reason to get yourself published, my friend.

  7. I never think of good combacks until like a day later.

  8. I’m reading the interchange a little differently. “She’s better looking than you” is the sort of thing a straight cis-male would say to someone he reads as another straight cis-male (because in his tiny world, there are only two possibilities), and in his mind, he would be making a joke. Is it possible you got read as “bro” rather than as “butch lesbian”?

    • That was my initial thought. He was punching me in the arm like one dude would do to another.

      But then he insisted I move ahead of him in line.

      Who knows. It will remain a mystery.

  9. I’m kinda positive he said that thinking that you were a man. He either felt bad about you moving back into your original spot or he started to wonder if you were “the man” he thought you were. I’ve been called sir a few times when my hair is short, and I’m not even trying to be butch 🙂

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