Not butch enough for haunted things

My W is here.

My W is here.

“My hersband is too afraid to go,” W texted her friends from work.

They are going to Terror Behind the Walls at Eastern State Penitentiary tonight. The website bills it as “A Massive Haunted House in a REAL PRISON.”

No thanks. Count me out.  I will stay home and watch reruns of Orange Is the New Black, which is a comedy set in a FAKE PRISON.

I know what you’re thinking, faithful followers.  Middle-age Butch, you are the butchest person I know.  Aren’t you butch enough for a little old haunted house?

Um, no.

I am butch enough to wear flannel everyday of the week.  I am butch enough to arm wrestle k.d. lang.  I am butch enough to wear a necktie when every other woman in the room is wearing a dress.

But this butch doesn’t do haunted houses or haunted hayrides or anything else that involves paying a fee to be scared.

That is not butch. That is stupid.

W is paying $20 to be scared by chainsaw-wielding strangers wearing face paint and fake blood.

If anyone out there wants a really good fright, mail me $20.  Tell me your worst fear, or I can make one up for you.

  • Dear Netflix Subscriber, We regret to inform you that there will not be a Season 3 of Orange Is the New Black.
  • Good news!  I’ve cleared my calendar and will be able to stay with you through the holidays!  All of them!!  Love, Mom
  • Dear Former Student, It wasn’t just a recurring bad dream.  You really are three credits short.  We will be revoking your diploma.

When I was a teenager, my father took me to a haunted house at the New Jersey shore.  I remember crowding into a room that was supposed to be an elevator with a bunch or other people and being scared to death.  I thought I was going to die.  It was the last time I held my dad’s hand.

The Shining

Too much blood for this butch.

I am not a fan of horror movies either. I can count the scary movies that I’ve seen on two hands (hands missing several digits due to an accident involving farm equipment) — Poltergeist, Children of the Corn, Silence of the Lambs, The Blair Witch Project.  I started watching The Shining when I was in college, but my friends had to remove me from the theater because I was turning green and about to pass out from all the blood.

Alas, I am a delicate butch.

I did tell W that if she doesn’t come home tonight I will look for her.

In the morning.

When the sun comes up.

It’s what any butch would do.

* * *

Do you like haunted houses and scary movies?

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23 responses to “Not butch enough for haunted things

  1. I live for horror movies! though they haven’t made a good Horror movie since the late 70’s early 80’s , Amityville Horror and the Exorcist are the 2 greatest movies ever made! Devil (made 2012 or 2013) is pretty good, you will never trust elevators and old ladies again after that movie lol

    I don’t mind the whole haunted house concept, unless it contains clowns and spiders I doubt I’d be very scared, startled maybe but not terrified.

    Besides living in our own house is much more fun….because it IS haunted, there are 3 ghosts that we know of and possibly others that we haven’t seen/heard/felt yet.

    • I actually took W to see Devil a few years back. Believe it or not, she jumped way more than I did.

      Clowns are the scariest. The scariest scene in Poltergeist is the one in which the toy clown reaches out for the boy from under the bed.

      Real ghosts? That I can handle.

  2. I don’t do the whole haunted house or scary movie thing either and, of course Candace loves that stuff and thinks I’m a wussy…which I guess I am. It sounds like you’re braver than I am.

    • I think it’s one of those things that you either love or hate — no in between. I’d like to tell you that yes, I am way braver than you, but it would probably be a lie. One of those big lies people call a “whopper” or a “doozie.” I’m brave when it counts, so I’ll leave it at that.

  3. I am *SO* with you on the not-into-being-scared thing. Pay a fee to be frightened? Gah! No, thanks.

    I like your “Tell me your worst fear, or I can make one up for you” idea though. It’d make a heck of a fundraiser! 😉

    • Right. It doesn’t make any sense. Outside of Halloween, no one hands someone $20 and says, “Hey, pal, here’s a little something for you to scare me so bad that I’ll scream out loud.” I mean, I hate feeling scared.

  4. NO. Nope. Uh-uh. Not-gonna-happen. Not now, not ever. No way.

  5. I’m not into scary stuff AT ALL. My older brothers did their share of jumping out from behind doorways in the basement for me; I still hate going down to that basement alone. I usually try humming something but for some reason that can be more terrifying. I got over my fear of haunted houses when my friend got scared by a guy with a bloody axe and she hit him with her umbrella and he swore. That took all the fear out of it for me. 🙂

    Also scary movies are a great excuse to cuddle…

  6. I’m with you on this. I went to the Eastern State Penitentiary haunted house a few years back with a group from work. It was supposed to be a “team building” experience. I left feeling a little queazy, but it wasn’t because of the fake blood. I swear to this day that the people dressed up in scary costumes were not the only beings haunting that place. Some people do get in the adrenaline rush of being scared, though.

    • And you were supposed to be learning skills like screaming and flinching? Together? As a team? Which would prepare you for?

      Yes, I have heard that the place is really haunted by real ghosts. And I get the adrenaline rush, but I would rather honest to God jump out of a plane with a parachute.

  7. I’m with you. I can’t even watch Bambi. When I go to the movies Donna has to tell me when I can look up again. I also faint when I have blood drawn (I can give blood only if I don’t look and tell them I need to lie down the whole time) and when I get a shot.

    • Seems like we are on the same page. Maybe it’s a butch thing. I usually pull my shirt up over my head when W is watching Criminal Minds and the like. I can’t look when I’m having blood drawn either.

  8. Ha! I really enjoyed reading this. Happy Halloween!

  9. I’m with you! I hate scary movies and things jumping out at me. Nope, no way, not for me.

  10. I’m not butch but I’m with you lady! (Hmmm not sure if that is the best choice of terms lol.) I hate scary stuff and would never ever pay for it. I don’t think I’ve watched a horror movie ever. Ugh. Fortunately my wife isn’t into them either!

  11. I don’t like being scared. I think this is partly because I see too much real life horror in my work life as a cop to want to put myself through it when it’s fake, so I don’t need the adrenalin because I have it all the time. But also being the child of physical abuse, any kind of threat to myself is too horrific and destroys my self confidence, which I struggle with anyway.

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