I like my showers. I like them extra hot. I like shampoo infused with a bit of mint. It makes my scalp tingle. It makes me feel awake and alive. I like men’s shower gels. I’m not picky about brands although I usually buy some version of Irish Spring or Old Spice.
Earlier this week, I placed a new bottle of body wash in the shower. I had to stifle a scream when I first used it. Swear to god on all that is holy like beer and Melissa Etheridge and cleavage.
The body wash is made by Dial for Men. It’s called “Magnetic: Clean-Rinsing,” and the name is superimposed over the image of an atom as if the gel is a building block of all other things. Quite arrogant for a bottle of body wash, I think. I read on and learn that Magnetic is an “Attraction Enhancing Body Wash” that’s “Pheromone Infused.”
Really, how could a butch go wrong?
So, there I was. In the shower. My hair is freshly shampooed and rinsed.
I reach for the body of Magnetic. I pour some of the body wash into my hand.
The gel is bright red. Like blood. Red blood.
I try not to scream. I try not to gag.
After the shock wears off, I rub the viscous crimson gel on my skin.
I feel like Carrie at prom (Sissy Spacek Carrie and not Chloe Grace Moretz Carrie because you should never mess with a classic).
And then I sensed something, someone behind me.
It’s Robert Pattinson. I just know it.
Tall and pale like Ichabod Crane. I am in the shower with Edward from Twilight.
I am too afraid to turn around because I am showering with a known vampire.
Three people I’d rather shower with than Robert Pattinson:
1. Kristen Stewart
Oh. Hi. I’m still in the shower with Kristen Stewart and a bottle of Dial Magnetic. (Did you see her as Joan Jett in the movie The Runaways?)
Anyway, there he is. Every morning. Robert Pattinson. In my shower. I can’t seem to get him out of my head. Or my shower.
This might be a good thing if you are a young girl but not an old butch.
I pick up the bottle of Dial Magnetic and read the back label.
How to use:
1. Squeeze out.
2. Lather up.
3. Rinse off.
4. Watch the magic happen.
And then I get it. The magic. Dial Magnetic can make Robert Pattinson appear in your shower.
Like magic. Weird, creepy magic, but still.