Be careful what you Axe for

Last week, I decided to try an experiment.  So, there I was on a Monday afternoon in my local CVS looking at the men’s body wash products.  Axe, to be specific.

Hail to you, Axe Twist.

The tall black bottles were intimidating.  And phallic.

I read the backs of the bottles carefully.  All guaranteed “UNLIMITED FEMALE ATTENTION.” And promised, “THE CLEANER YOU ARE, THE DIRTIER YOU GET.”

How could a gal like me resist?

I popped open the lids and smelled the contents of each fragrant flavor.

I decided on Axe Twist, with the backward “s.”  Apparently, teenage boys aren’t sticklers for proper use of the alphabet.

“Ultra lather and addictive fragrances to give you a super-charged clean,” the bottle read.

It smelled something like lime Jell-O and motor oil.  W does love lime, I thought to myself.

But here’s what made Axe Twist stand out from Axe Excite and Axe Anarchy and Axe Dark Temptation.

It’s marketed as: “The scent which starts with exciting freshness which then lasts to keep her tantalized and intrigued by you.”

I figured that this was perfect because I wasn’t looking to attract a new woman — or perhaps a flock of new women, depending on the power of Axe Twist — but to keep the one I have tantalized and intrigued.

Axe Twist also said I should use it “because a good first impression isn’t enough, you need to keep her intrigued …”

My first impression was over six years ago, so I thought it was worth the $5.99 to keep W swooning and wanting more of yours truly.  Besides, she really loves lime.  It was a foolproof plan.

When I got home, I hid the big black bottle of Axe like it was a porno magazine.

Everyone surrenders to Axe Twist.

On Tuesday morning, I grabbed my Axe Twist from its secret hiding spot and brought it into the shower with me.  The goo was a neon lime green.  It reminded me of things from the ’80s like ectoplasm from the movie Ghostbusters and a tank top that I used to wear with my acid-washed jean shorts.

I followed the instructions: Squeeze out gel.  Lather on body.  Rinse off.  Be clean.  Unilever made being a chick magnet sound so easy.

I started getting a little lightheaded in the shower.  I wasn’t sure if it was the Blue 1 or Yellow 5.  Or possibly the “super-charged clean” or “the exciting freshness.”  It was all so new and heady.

I went to my writer’s group that morning and no one said that I looked “clean but oh so dirty” or seemed “tantalized” or “intrigued.”  I did notice that I had a rash breaking out on my chin and spent most of the two hours trying not to scratch my face.

But because this was all for W, I wasn’t too discouraged by the morning’s events, or lack thereof.

W came home from work that evening and gave me a standard peck on the lips.  And that was it.  This was not the “unlimited female attention” I had been promised.  I tried brushing up against her and allowing the fragrance from my skin to waft in her general direction but still no luck.

In a last ditch effort to maximize the power of Axe, I decided to up the ante and shower with my Axe Twist right before bedtime.

“Mmmm, you smell good,” W said when I walked into the bedroom and put my arms around her.

It was working!  The Axe Twist was actually working!  I felt clean and dirty.  It was exhilarating!

But it was a Tuesday night, and we have three cats and three kids, and W was tired.


Thank you, Axe Twist.

When Wednesday night arrived, I once again showered right before bed with my Axe Twist.  After the shower, there was excitement and intrigue and tantalization.  Lots of it.  On a Wednesday night, no less.

I bow my fresh-scented body to you, Axe Twist.

On Thursday, I confessed to W.  It felt wrong to not tell her about my secret lime-scented weapon.

She laughed.

I asked her if my use of a revitalizing shower gel made for teenage boys made her feel like a cougar.  She said it did.  That’s when she grabbed me and pulled me close and gave me a big ol’ kiss.

Damn Axe Twist.  This stuff just keeps on working.

(Note: The idea for this Axe experiment wasn’t original.  I had read somewhere on the Internet about a mom wearing Axe for a week.  I do believe that this is the first documented account of a lesbian using an Axe product for an extended period of time.)

* * *

What’s your favorite scent to wear?  What do you like your partner to wear?


8 responses to “Be careful what you Axe for

  1. Gawd, but you make me laugh. 😀

    I know not of ectoplasmic body gel. However, I tried a new shampoo recently that smells fantabulous. BUT, it is the the exact same hue and texture as toddler snot.

    If that counts for anything.

  2. I always have a bottle of Axe Shock in the shower – I love the way it makes my skin feel and my girl loves the way it makes me smell.

  3. If you send this post to the Axe marketing department maybe they’ll send you some Axe swag? I see a whole swarm of butches going out to buy it.

  4. Storm M. Silvermane

    Hmmm this was awesome post. Sorry I have not kept up lately, been very busy with the grandbaby coming.. anyway let’s see I wear a body wash that both Angel and I use because I have sensitive skin so it is something like Dove Ultra moisturizing.. I use a men’s shampoo with T tree oil in it that is also minty.. I like the tingle… but the thing that gets my woman all up on me (which can happen everyday) is my favorite cologne she bought me is Polo. I love it..

    • Hey, Storm. Good of you to check in. And good luck with that grandbaby.

      I don’t wear fragrance of any kind, but lately I’ve been thinking of trying out something classic like Polo or Drakkar.

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