I should probably start this post by saying that I hate change. Maybe that’s why it took me so damn long to come out.
With that being said, I just bought a new wallet.
My old wallet was, well, really, really old. I’m pretty sure that it was older than my son. He turned 14 this year.
The wallet was a gift from my mom. It was a nice brown leather Nine West wallet. It had a compartment in which I stored a note from my grandmother along with a lucky $2 bill that she had given me a long time ago. So, the wallet had sentimental value. Plus, it was practical. It fit all of my credit cards and frequent buyer cards, my cash and my coins. It did it all.
It was a woman’s wallet, if we need to delve into the gender binary of leather accessories. I usually carried it in my front pocket or in the cargo pocket of my shorts.
Over the last few years, the wallet started falling apart. The leather began cracking and the change fell out of the coin pocket if I tilted it a certain way. I planned on getting a new wallet but kept putting it off. If it ain’t really broken and all that.
But then we went to a rodeo Saturday night. In the pouring rain. And I got soaked. So did my wallet.
I went to Kohl’s last night to purchase a new wallet. A man’s wallet. There were tri-folds and bi-folds and ones with L-shaped insets. Wallets in brown and black leather, some marbled and others textured. I touched them all and opened most of them and after about 20 minutes of obsessive-compulsive behavior settled on a nice brown leather Dockers tri-fold.
I got home and immediately started moving the contents of my old wallet into the new one. I did a lot of streamlining and ended up throwing out a stack of cards. I figured that some of my frequent buyer cards — like my beloved Burrito Elito card — could be kept in my car. I tucked my grandmother’s note and $2 bill inside the new wallet.
And then I folded it up and stuck it in my back pocket. It felt huge. Like I was carrying around a kitten or maybe a small bag of rocks.
“Does this make my ass look really big?” I asked W.
“It looks sexy,” she said.
Apparently, she has a thing for women carrying things around in their back pockets. Who knew.
We went back and forth, me insisting that the wallet is way too huge and her reassuring me that it wasn’t.
“I am now obsessing about this whole wallet thing,” I announced. As if she was blind to the meltdown taking place right in front of he eyes.
W then mumbled something and said “never mind” when I asked her to repeat it.
“Your old wallet was like a purse,” she finally said.
I argued the point vehemently. It didn’t have a strap for crying out loud.
“You might as well have been carrying a purse,” she said.
This made the new wallet look more attractive. Ginormous but manly and attractive in its brown leather plainness.
I spent a good portion of last night googling things like “skinny wallets” and “do slim wallets really work.” I figure that if the new wallet is too bulky, I can ask for one of the super skinny ones for Christmas.
“You’re so cute,” W said. For some reason, she thinks my obsessive tics are cute. Go figure.
I took the new wallet for a test drive today. I used it to buy cat food at Petco and a few things at Target. It worked just fine. I was able to walk without falling over or pulling a hamstring. It felt a little large in my back pocket, but when I wasn’t obsessing over it, it felt just fine.
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Can anyone relate? Butches, what kind of wallet do you carry? And to all the lovely femmes out there, what does your girl carry?