Hey, it’s International Butch Appreciation Day. Who knew there was such a thing?
Thanks to the femme (or butch) who came up with a day to celebrate those who revel in flannel shirts, cargo pants, ball caps, really awesome haircuts. And, women. Sexy women, sporty women, exotic women, flirty women. The girl next door, the farmer’s daughter, the pin-up.
On this most special day, I thought I’d give a shout out to all of my fellow butches out there. (Silent head nod.)
And, for all you femmes — you pretty, sexy, fine femmes that make our hearts skip a beat — here’s an instruction manual courtesy of Middle-age butch to help you better understand your butches.
1. We derive pleasure from your pleasure. It’s not a bad deal if you’re up for it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t ever want to be touched (stone butches not included). So, give us some lovin’ from time to time. Sorry, girls, there’s no rule book for that. We’re all different when it comes to what we like under the sheets.
2. Let us carry your shopping bags and packages. Yes, we know that you’re an independent woman and can do it yourself, but we like to feel useful and needed. (Besides, I never got to carry that pretty girl’s books home from school, so I have plenty of time to make up for.)
3. Don’t make us hold your purse. We’ll do it if you ask, but it makes us feel really weird and self-conscious. We don’t carry one for a reason.
4. We’re really not that hard to buy gifts for. You can always buy us a new tie (we can never have too many), and it’ll be extra special if it’s from you. Other ideas: power tools, a new set of shiny screwdrivers, a pocket knife, a day where you do nothing but attend to us. Or how about a new hat or jersey with tickets to our favorite sports teams tucked inside?
5. Sometimes we just can’t help flirting with the ladies. Don’t be mad. We are loyal and faithful and always come home to you every night.
6. We secretly love it when you tell us that we are cute. We will grit our teeth and grimace when you use that word to describe us, but we really find it endearing and it makes us smile inside. We do a lot of smiling inside.
7. Kiss us when we are in that fancy restaurant on a dinner date. Or take our hand when we are walking in the city. Or sitting in the movie theater. Sure, we usually take the lead, but it’s nice to feel wanted.
8. We’ll never look or smell as nice as you with your lace and heels and patchouli perfume. But let us know that you think we look hot in our boots, or necktie or backwards baseball cap. Tell us that you like the new haircut and the musky scent of our cologne.
9. Sure, we like to be touched as much as the next guy. Just be careful with our hair. It took a good seven minutes to get it to look just like this. That’s a lot of mirror time for us. At least wait until the end of the day to run your fingers through our short locks.
10. We might look like we’re made of steel, but we’re really super sensitive inside. Handle us with kid gloves. It’ll all work out in your favor in the end. I promise.
11. Call us “baby” and “darling” and “love.” “Baby cakes” and “sweetie” and “dear.” We eat that stuff up.
12. Give us extra attention when we’re hurt. Kiss our paper cuts. Rub down our sore muscles. Despite what we might tell you, we’re not too tough for your TLC.
13. Once in awhile, tell us how much you appreciate everything that we do for you. Like lugging out the trash, carrying 40-pound containers of kitty litter for your 13 cats, sending you flowers, changing the light bulbs and mowing the grass.
Melissa Etheridge said it best when she sang: “You found out to love me you have to climb some fences.” So, climb those fences femmes, and watch out for those sexy high heels while you’re at it. Your butch will make the extra effort worth it.
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What about you? Butches, what’s on your list? Femmes, what do you do to keep your butch happy?