I had to go to Kohl‘s today and pay my credit card bill.
If you’re not familiar with Kohl’s, it’s a department store sort of like J.C. Penney but way better.
Because I was already inside the store, I decided to do some shopping.
Here’s what Middle Age Butch bought:
One snowman hand towel for the freshly painted downstairs bathroom. $4.00. Who says lesbians can’t be interior decorators? They had a really cute and fluffy white snowman towel, but we have three teenage boys. You do the math. Note to butch: Don’t forget to buy a lot of really nice white stuff like towels and rugs — but not cocaine — after the kids leave home. You probably won’t need mind-numbing drugs after the kids leave home. It’ll be like one giant Dinah Shore White Party every single day of the week.
One pair of Philadelphia Phillies pajama bottoms. $4.20. On clearance. Things I love: the Phillies, pajamas, elastic waistbands, sleep. Win, win, win, win. I will be like Charlie Sheen when I wear these this spring. Winning. Big time. So cute. I love the tiny little silver button on the fly. And they have pockets! Bonus.
One hooded vest. $7.20. On clearance. Not sure why they don’t have a butch lesbian section as a subset of the young men’s department. Or, a Justin Bieber section. Same thing. This screams “lesbian” just like a flannel shirt or a Chicks Dig Me tee. Or, maybe “boy band,” but who’s counting. The vest is a soft sweatshirty gray material lined in black with a drawstring hood. Sweet. Would look great with a plain white tee underneath, a pair of jeans and black Doc Marten’s. Middle Age Butch needs to lose a few pounds to really rock this. Combines two of my favorite things — vests and sweatshirts. Wondering how to combine other things I love … like pizza and beer, wool socks and buttonfly jeans …
One funny unicorn T-shirt. $2.40. On clearance. Ok, so Middle Age Butch is not all fluffy and rainbowy and into unicorns and glitter. I mean, I would eat unicorn meat in a heartbeat. Especially barbequed unicorn. Or braised unicorn. Or unicorn parmesan. Wow, my mouth is actually watering now. But this T-shirt caught my eye. I have a thing for T-shirts. Which means that I have way too many and when I open up my closet to grab one to wear, the whole pile teeters and I have to quick close the door before they come crashing down and bury me alive. Although in the realm of all possibilities, being suffocated by my awesome T-shirt collection is not such a bad way to go out. Oh, I like jokey things about therapy, too. If you haven’t noticed.
What about you? What’s the coolest thing you’ve purchased in recent weeks?