Butch goes to a department store

I had to go to Kohl‘s today and pay my credit card bill.

If you’re not familiar with Kohl’s, it’s a department store sort of like J.C. Penney but way better.

Because I was already inside the store, I decided to do some shopping.

Here’s what Middle Age Butch bought:

Snowman Hand Towel

How can this not make you smile?

One snowman hand towel for the freshly painted downstairs bathroom.  $4.00.  Who says lesbians can’t be interior decorators?  They had a really cute and fluffy white snowman towel, but we have three teenage boys.  You do the math.  Note to butch: Don’t forget to buy a lot of really nice white stuff like towels and rugs — but not cocaine — after the kids leave home.  You probably won’t need mind-numbing drugs after the kids leave home.  It’ll be like one giant Dinah Shore White Party every single day of the week.

Phillies Pajama Bottoms

Can’t wait to rock these

One pair of Philadelphia Phillies pajama bottoms.  $4.20.  On clearance.  Things I love: the Phillies, pajamas, elastic waistbands, sleep.  Win, win, win, win.  I will be like Charlie Sheen when I wear these this spring.  Winning.  Big time.  So cute.  I love the tiny little silver button on the fly.  And they have pockets!  Bonus.

Hooded Vest

Sporty yet dressy

One hooded vest.  $7.20.  On clearance.  Not sure why they don’t have a butch lesbian section as a subset of the young men’s department.  Or, a Justin Bieber section.  Same thing.  This screams “lesbian” just like a flannel shirt or a Chicks Dig Me tee.  Or, maybe “boy band,” but who’s counting.  The vest is a soft sweatshirty gray material lined in black with a drawstring hood.  Sweet.  Would look great with a plain white tee underneath, a pair of jeans and black Doc Marten’s.  Middle Age Butch needs to lose a few pounds to really rock this.  Combines two of my favorite things — vests and sweatshirts.  Wondering how to combine other things I love … like pizza and beer, wool socks and buttonfly jeans …

Funny Unicorn Tee

Funny yet so true

One funny unicorn T-shirt.  $2.40. On clearance.  Ok, so Middle Age Butch is not all fluffy and rainbowy and into unicorns and glitter.  I mean, I would eat unicorn meat in a heartbeat.  Especially barbequed unicorn.  Or braised unicorn.  Or unicorn parmesan.  Wow, my mouth is actually watering now.  But this T-shirt caught my eye.  I have a thing for T-shirts.  Which means that I have way too many and when I open up my closet to grab one to wear, the whole pile teeters and I have to quick close the door before they come crashing down and bury me alive.  Although in the realm of all possibilities, being suffocated by my awesome T-shirt collection is not such a bad way to go out.   Oh, I like jokey things about therapy, too.  If you haven’t noticed.

What about you?  What’s the coolest thing you’ve purchased in recent weeks?

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12 responses to “Butch goes to a department store

  1. I love that vest. You had me at sweatshirt material. My teenage daughter recently told me that if NJ was buried in volcanic ash, preserved and then uncovered, future archaeologists would attribute my closet to that of an early 21st century lesbian. (Yes. She’s delightful!) I scoffed. But after reading this post, I think she may be right. I love white t-shirts (men’s v-necks accommodate my bodacious ta-tas best), button flys (I have commandeered more than one pair of my husband’s, much to his chagrin—they look better on me), and don’t even get me started on Docs (though the new ones are nowhere near as well made as the originals!). I have to draw the line on barbecued unicorn and ANYTHING Phillies (sacreligious to a NY Mets fan).

    • It is an awesome vest. You must have good taste. Everyone knows that lesbians are on the cutting edge when it comes to fashion.

      I’ll forgive you for being a Mets fan. At least you’re not a Yankees fan. We do have Lenny Dykstra in common. Oh, Nails, how far you’ve fallen.

      • Lenny Dykstra’s is a sad story. Not as sad as my closet, but sad nonetheless. I was actually in Kohl’s yesterday. I thought of you. And the vest.

  2. What’s the coolest thing you’ve purchased in recent weeks? Not a darn thing! Nada, unless a bottle of rum is considered cool, which I think it its! I haven’t bought anything in weeks. Shame on me right? Christmas gifts and all needing to be purchased. We have a Kohl’s here but I simply cannot stand the crowds. I applaud you for shouldering in and actually shopping! Maybe I should look for a lesbian that can shop on my behalf? 😉 Cuz that towel is pretty darn cute!

  3. I think the best thing I have purchased is a second-hand book titled ‘Fanny Hill’. It’s like the original 50 Shades of Grey, from way back in the day when they genuinely did say ‘Oh my’. Can’t wait to give it to one of my best friends for Christmas!

  4. Eating unicorn meat will make you magic. If you eat too much you might poop rainbows!

  5. You are so funny!!! I love it!!

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