I’ve hired Little Debbie as my new therapist and blacklisted the Cocoa Puffs bird and Lindsey Lohan from my parties

So, I’ve decided to make Little Debbie my new therapist.

javaj240 from Ambling & Rambling suggested that I substitute Little Debbie snack cakes for extra therapy as they are cheaper and way more delicious. (See previous post.)

I thought why not go all the way and just name Little Debbie as my new official therapist.

Sure, she’s young.  And she wears a straw hat tied under her chin.  But she makes a delicious and affordable snack cake.

Some children have wisdom beyond their years.  Take Doogie Howser, for example.

Oh, Little Debbie, you had me at enrobed.

This whole Little Debbie thing got me thinking about other product spokespeople and the role they could play in my life.

W and I always talk about getting a house girl to help with things around here.  You know, hit the bank, pick up the drycleaning, take the kids to the orthodontist.  I always pictured her as a Swedish exchange student.  Like Uma Thurman in The Producers but younger.

I would like one pizza with all the toppings for my two lady bosses.

A few nights ago, I told W that we should just get a male nanny, or a Manny, because it might not be a good idea to bring a young, hot, blonde into the house.  Just to be safe and all.

I was thinking that Mr. Clean might be able to get the job done.  He could keep the boys in line and get the toilet sparkling clean.

I am strict but sensitive.

The Hamburger Helper hand would make a great masseuse.  Or, proctologist.

That’s not too much pressure, is it?

Snap, Crackle and Pop would be my drug dealers.  If I did drugs stronger than Zzzquil and Advil.

Yo, this shit will fuck you up.

I’d hire Mr. Peanut to organize all of my parties, because that monocle screams class. The Kool-Aid pitcher would tend bar.  Sam Ronson would DJ because she’s so damn cute.

Real, live lesbian — not a mascot

The Green Giant would work the door and have strict instructions to keep out Lindsey Lohan and Sonny from Cocoa Puffs.  That bird is an a-hole.

You won’t ruin my party, Sonny.

As you can see, I’m feeling a bit better.  Thanks for all the well wishes.

How about you?  Which product mascots would you like to hire?

10 responses to “I’ve hired Little Debbie as my new therapist and blacklisted the Cocoa Puffs bird and Lindsey Lohan from my parties

  1. It’s nice when someone listens to my sage advice. Perhaps you could call my daughter? She thinks I’m an idiot. 16 is such a cute age!

    Regarding the macot thing, I’ve always had a soft spot for The Energizer Bunny. He seems pretty zippy. He’d have to lose the cymbals though.

    • Sure, and maybe you can get my sons to put their dirty laundry in their hampers.

      I never quite trusted the Energizer Bunny. You could never see his eyes under those sunglasses.

      • Children and hampers are archrivals. Don’t you know that?

        The sunglasses add an air of mystery to the bunny. LOL.

      • Yeah, I know. It just seems so simple though. Maybe that’s the problem. I used to tell them that it was so easy that a monkey could do it. They disagreed. How I would love to have so much money that I could buy a monkey and train it to put clothes in a hamper. Yes, that is what I’d do if I had a million dollars.

  2. The Pilsbury Doughboy…. cause I just can’t help but look at him and smile.

    • Yes, adorably cute. It always worried me when people poked him, though. Like they were planning on eating him along with a few crescent rolls and a Grands biscuit and were trying to gauge his softness.

  3. Green Giant would be my body guard. The Hershey kiss could be used to keep romantic interests away, because it could do the kissing for me (I’m married so maybe I should have had this a few years ago). The brown M, because she seems like a cool girl to hang out with.

    Now, I’ll tell you who I absolutely most definitely without a doubt would not want anywhere near me.. Mr. Burger KING himself. Ugh. Creepy!

  4. partlycloudypessimist

    I would bring in the Kool-Aid pitcher to be personal motivational speaker. And he’d have Tony the Tiger as his motivational wingman for those particularly rough days.

    However, I would absolutely ban the Apple from the Fruit of the Looms commercial from my life. He always seems so pompous and condescending. Like he’s the apple that tempted Eve in the garden of Eden.

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