Teen Mom and lesbian lovers behind bars!

I have a fascination with Teen Mom.

The MTV reality show.  Not actual teen moms.  That would be creepy.

I’m not sure why I like Teen Mom so much.  I’m about 30 years removed from 16 and pregnant. But it’s one of the few shows that I watch with any regularity.

On Teen Mom nights, I usually text W around lunch time.  “Teen Mom tonight!”  The exclamation point means I’m really excited.  In general, I am anti-exclamation point.  So, on those rare occasions when I use one, it conveys the appropriate amount of enthusiasm.

It’s like the boy who cried wolf.  This is a punctuation mark that you must use sparingly if you want to express the proper amount of excitement.

Thanks to me, W is hooked on Teen Mom.  “I hate you,” she tells me after each episode.

Every Tuesday during Teen Mom season, I’ll check Teen Mom News for the latest updates on the moms.

Here are some recent headlines:

“Jenelle and Kiefer break up again!” (Exclamation point in original.)

“Jenelle and Kiefer get back together again.”

“Farrah CONFIRMS she’s landed her own spin-off show!” (Caps and exclamation point in original.)

“Amber Portwood being protected by a woman named Sugarfoot in prison! (Exclamation point in original.)

Well played punctuation, Teen Mom News writer.  This last headline grabs my attention, even without the exclamation point.

According to Teen Mom News, Amber befriended a woman nicknamed Sugarfoot, who serves as her jailhouse “protector.”  Sugarfoot is apparently so smitten with Amber that she has gotten the young mom’s initials tattooed on her neck, TMN says.

I am fascinated with this mystery woman named Sugarfoot.   Questions abound.

What does she look like?   What does the nickname Sugarfoot signify?   Does she have a foot fetish?   Or maybe diabetes?  Gout?  How do you get a tattoo in prison?   Is there anything more ghetto than a neck tattoo?

Amber Portwood

I always joke with W that prison would be a vacation.  I could read all day long and work on my novel.  I would be buff after endless rounds of push-ups in my cell and weightlifting sessions in the yard.  Plus, you get three square meals a day and you don’t have to cook.  Sweet.

I tell W that I’ll need to take a lover in the joint to tide me over in between the conjugal visits.

I’ve watched The L Word.  I know all about prison sex.

Technically, I am one felony removed from Sugarfoot.

Recently, I stole a hotel butter knife to cut fudge that we bought on vacation.  I am crazy like that.  Like a fox.  And a crazy person.

I’ll need a better prison moniker, though.  Maybe Sugarlips or Sugarbear or Sugardyke.  Sugartop or Sugarpants.

Or something like Spike, Nailz, Raisin’ Pain or B-Butch.  Stevia.

Or, The Knife.

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