More better butch blues

So, yeah, summer.  Bummer.

I wrote about my summertime slump a post or two ago.  You can read about it here.

Or just skip to the recap: Kids are home from school in the summer, which wreaks havoc on my weekly routine and daily domination of home and hearth.  So, I get grumpy.  And don’t get me started on the fact that it’s hot, which means people generally wear less clothing.  This is not good for butches with body issues.  Isn’t this all of us?

But is something else going on?

I looked back at my posts from June 2013 and saw some depressing posts about baggage.

Could there be something more, something cyclical that rears its sunburnt head when summer rolls around?

xx

I heart you, Olivia.

As a kid, I certainly welcomed summer vacation.  It’s all a blur of Brady Bunch reruns, baseball cards and whiffle ball games that lasted double-digit innings and ran from one day into the next.  Grease is a fine summer memory (even though I didn’t realize that my obsession with the film was really about my crush on Olivia Newton-John).

As I got older, I spent most of the summer working closing shift at the local McDonalds.  We blasted Madonna and Prince on our boom boxes after hours as we got the place ready for breakfast the next morning.  The bulk of my paycheck went toward sneakers (I specifically remember a pair of gray Converse high tops) and cassette tapes (Joan Jett, you will always rock my world).

After I left for college, I never really wanted to go home for the summer.  I was glad for the break from classes, but didn’t want to leave my friends.  The school had become my home, and my friends had become my family.  We had our roles and our routine.  Looking back, I think I felt safe living in an all-female space, even though I didn’t identify as a lesbian at the time.

There’s something about belonging to a group of women that I find comforting.  Maybe it’s all of the estrogen in the air or the hairspray fumes.  I don’t know.

If we are attending some kind of event that is to be attended by people from my past, W always asks if any of my women will be there.  “Now which one is that?” she’ll ask.  “There’s so many of them,” she’ll exclaim.

I like that I have women.  My grade-school women.  The women, the college years.  My support group women.

I wonder if my summer blues are not about the start of something new but about ending something old, comfortable, familiar.  I wonder if it’s not about the kids ending the school year but me ending school … 30 years ago.

Triggers are weird.  Life is weird.

The best we can do is be aware and carry on.

And wait for fall.

 

12 responses to “More better butch blues

  1. I’m sure you are right about it being more about you leaving school all those years ago and not the kids. I remember being depressed towards the end of my senior year. I didn’t want to graduate. Didn’t want to leave the comfort of friends and the only world I knew. But I didn’t link it with the coming of summer. I awkwardly transitioned into the workforce which was a whole new adventure.

    What I think you need is to create some good summertime memories. Get a group of women together and do things that are fun and meaningful to you so that when summer rolls around next year, instead of feeling the blues, there’ll be that little smile on your face as recall the good times of this summer and anticipate the coming of a new one.

    Summer girls. That’s what you need. : – )

  2. I can relate to some of this at least how in college you make a new family of your own and how safe and warm it feels to be with supportive women by your side.

    • My college roommate became my best friend so there was that. I never felt like my parents understood me, so it was hard to transition from friends and fun to a place where I felt like I couldn’t be myself.

      • I understand is the same with my best friends and boyfriend. Family does not get it they think is a phase or dont want to accept the fact that you like women too. Well at least in my case but I had jumped from straight to lesbian alot until I figured I just am easily in love with both so friendships forged in college and my closest friends from high school is the same for me too.

  3. It is the lack of summer flannel. I always looked forward to the start of school as a kid (I was a nerd), I liked the idea of a fresh start even though nothing ever really changed. On the other hand, summer is still about baseball, beer, and sunlight – for which I give thanks (twi-light double headers).

    • Egads, I think you’re right. No warm weather flannel. Although I still have a flannel shirt with cut-off sleeves that I used to rock when I was skinny. I wore it years before I came out. I think I keep it just so I can thunk myself on the head every once in awhile and ask myself how I didn’t know that I was a big ol’ lesbian back then.

      And yes, baseball. As a kid, summer was for whiffle ball, games of catch that lasted for hours, and collecting and sorting baseball cards. And then sorting them again.

      I root for the Phillies, so this year is over already. Jimmy Rollins will break Mike Schmidt’s record and become the team’s all-time hits leader. Other than that, there’s not much to look forward to. Utley is my guy, and I’m hoping they don’t trade him. I will be in a mood for sure if they do.

      There’s always minor-league ball.

    • Summer flannel. I love it! :) Flannel t-shirts.

  4. More better butch blues is bestest :D … don’t’cha hate it when we epiphaniate when we’d rather be swinging in a hammock in the back yard?

  5. Being aware is so crucial. If you know what’s going to trip you, you can let your women know. x

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